What I've Learned as a Mother

     I would like to share some of the perspectives that being a stay at home mom/wife for the last 10+ years has given to me...not to open the "work or not" debate, but just to offer some of what I have realized in my own journey, in the hopes that it will be thought provoking to anyone reading it.
     The reason for this post is hopefully to challenge anyone to spend some time examining themselves and their life purpose in an overarching sort of way...So I will start by sharing with you that I have not always "loved" my time as a SAHM.  There are times even now when the never-endingness (is that a word?) of it is overwhelming and if it wasn't for my dear husband allowing me to grocery shop alone (sometimes), I would rarely be alone.  It is a challenge to all my capabilities, which all too often seem woefully inadequate.  That being said, I have been struggling with purpose for a long time...don't get me wrong, I know my purpose in raising children who love Christ, are honest, respectful, hardworking etc...but that goal is a looong way off, and it can get discouraging to work towards a goal that is 10-15 years away, and there is no guarantee they will be what you hope for them(and I don't mean successful in a money sort of way, either!).
     The other night on my way home from a church outing with friends from church(hubby and boys were home sick), I got to pondering many things (outloud, as I process things verbally), and began to question my motives for things over the years...because my motivation of late has been quite lacking...there are so many things that I really need to dig in and work at and motivation to do so is just not there.  This is quite different from how I was for years back in school and college.  I was quite an overachiever, and sought to do my absolute best in everything I did...that doesn't always mean it was perfect (in Chemistry class, for example) but to not apply myself was not an option.  I had a compulsion to do so.  Even in classes I loathed (like Trigonometry) I couldn't feel at ease with myself if I had given a half-hearted effort.  Mostly, I think it was because I wanted to be worthy of respect by my teachers and professors, and shoddy work, or laziness would not foster such things.  Also, I wanted to please my parents, who knew what I was capable of, and didn't want to face them (or myself) with the excuse, "I'm just too lazy!"
     So my motivation was, ulitmately, to please others whose opinions I respected and valued.  I received much satisfaction in doing so.  Fast forward into marriage and motherhood.  I had 2 babies close together, then an almost 3 year space and then 2 more babies pretty close together.  I went from college, where my own preferences, desires, interests and the like were given priority, to being a wife, helping my husband in ministry and then a mother, where the interests of your baby becomes near top priority...fast forward to having many babies (by modern standards) and the amount of self-sacrifice is mulitplied many-fold.  At different points as a mother, I have endured many low moments...almost depression...and many will point at such occurrences and say, "Hah!  That's why motherhood is so terrible for women, it takes away their personhood...and blah blah blah".  But while driving home last night another thought entered my conciousness...
     As a child and young adult, my motivation was always about pleasing others and receiving gratification by what others thought of me and my abilities to perform (as a student, as an artist/potter etc).  When you enter full-time motherhood [at home], all those motivations are taken away, and you have your husband and children to think about and please, and how often have mothers sacrificed greatly for their children only for the children to demand more--realizing nothing of the magnitude of the sacrifice?  My children are no different and must be trained out of selfishness just like all children.  The motivation in life now takes on a more spiritual dimension...The type of character traits needed to be a good wife and mother are often things like respectful attitudes towards hubby, firmness in child training, nurturing, patience, kindness, diligence in the face of constant self-sacrifice and often few tangible rewards...hmmm...harder to gauge success than profit margin statements...the rewards are less tangible than the paintings and pots I used to create.  When I consistently created pots and paintings I had the almost instant gratification of seeing the work of my hands.  If I kept it, I had the gratification of using it regularly, or bestowing it as a gift on someone who would "appreciate" it. 
    What has this comparison shown me?  A  realization that my motivation has been wrong from day one...the Westminster Catechism asks "what is the chief end of man?"  and the answer is: "To glorify God and enjoy HIM forever."  My whole life long, my motivation has NEVER been to glorify God and enjoy Him forever...but shouldn't this be the motivation for anything and everything in the life of the sincere, saved, blood-washed Christian?  So when I spend most of my formative years being motivated by wrong thinking, and sowing to the flesh (by wanting accolades and approval of others) of course it is going to feel hard to switch to a life for which I have not prepared...does that make sense?  So, being a stay at home mom, serving the needs of my family day in and day out for years and years has made me come face to face with myself and all that I am...Partly because I have the time to ponder.  As busy as a mom is, most of the work is such that you can think and ponder things as you go...and I have had to come to grips with my own selfishness, my wrong motives, and so on...
     I'm not saying that people can't learn these things in other ways than I have learned them....but from what I hear in talking with many mothers is how pressed for time they are.  Many are juggling so many plates it's hard to have time for reflection...If they are able to snatch an hour, they fall asleep!  So while I have learned many good and positive things, as a mom, mostly I have had to realize how hypocritical I am in my own heart, despite how "righteous" my actions appear to be...  And am now challenged to begin to view all of life through the lense, "Does this glorify God, or me?"  and realize that He sees all and knows all we have done on behalf of others, regardless of what accolades or respect we receive from others, and to ask God to begin to make me sensitive to HIS heart and make any service done for anyone as done unto Him, and to be not just okay with that, but to relish it....